The Baby World Incident

I am still recovering from my hysterectomy in more ways than I ever could have imagined.  The deep profound sadness that I feel at times is unbearable.  I have had moments where I cry not silent tears but sobbing and weeping where there is a deep pain in my heart.  I didn't know such sadness existed.  I just want it to go away. 

The other day I was out and about running some errands.  I thought I would treat myself to a new gym outfit seeing as though I have finally become well enough to go back to the gym.  I walked past Baby World and I stopped in my tracks.  The window display stopped me.  


Now I have never been a maternal woman, I’ve never given baby shops a second thought, nor would I think they look cute.  But today was different.  The window display had the most amazing wooden cot and it was all set up ready for a baby boy.  There were colourful mobiles hanging over the cot that had the most beautiful quilt.  The whole window was just a fantastic colourful display for a new baby.  


I burst into uncontrollable tears.  I looked into the window and thought... I will never ever ever have this.  I thought I am never going to be allowed into one of these shops.  It was truly one of the saddest things I have yet to experience. 

The wounds are still fresh because of my recent news from my surgeon.  Due to the incredible amount of pain I am in he asked my permission to take my file and photographs of my last laparoscopy to a retired surgeon who was present at one of my earlier surgeries.  Of course I said yes.  


He told me that he wanted me to try the cancer drug Zoladex and then have surgery.  He said to come back in a week’s time to discuss it some more once he had visited the retired surgeon.  I cried all the way home from that appointment.  I tend to do that after I have seen the photographs and had a top rate surgeon impress upon me that he can’t do anything for me except prescribe painkillers. 

The next week he said to me that they don’t believe Zoladex would help me at all.  Which was good because I had decided against taking it.  I spoke to Dr Dreamy and he didn't believe it would help and he further was of the opinion that it would be too traumatic to endure yet another drug that wouldn't help me.  The surgeon said they need to do a Bilateral Salpingo oophorectomy which basically means they are taking out my fallopian tubes and ovaries.  


The only female parts I have left.  


They are concerned because there is so much endo everywhere that the other organs are compromised.  He mentioned something about a descending colon but at that point I no longer cared.  I said to him “I want you to take everything, just take it all”.  He said this needs to be done and that he would try and resect the endo and adhesions that are there as best he could.  He also cautioned me that the photographs are nearly two years old and we could be dealing with something a lot worse.  He said that he would have a general surgeon on call should it be required.  What does that mean? 

I told him that I wanted to wait until after my exams.  He raised his eyebrow at me and gave me a look like I am a fool.  I didn't care.  My surgery earlier this year has already put  me behind and I am not going to lose a whole year to endo.  No way.  Besides what is a few weeks anyway?  I am mentally prepared for my exams and I am going to do them.  Then I can mentally prepare for the next round of surgery.  I am well practised at trying to balance all of the competing interests in my life.  Endo normally takes precedence but not this time.  This time it is me.  It only means relying on OxyContin and OxyNorm some more.  

 

Again I cried all the way home.  It was only a few months ago that they took my uterus and cervix.  Now all of my female reproductive organs are to be taken from me.  Does that mean I am no longer female?  I really need to explore this.  I want to know what this means. I know that it will mean at 33 I will go into early menopause.  That isn't a lovely thought.  I have three of the top surgeons concerned so I guess I am now too.  I worry because when I am in pain it is incredible.  I wonder what is going on in there.  I wonder what else is affected by the aggressive nature of my endo.  Then I try not to think about it and the silent tears come back. 

Back to the Baby World incident.  I have been hit hard by my hysterectomy because I hadn’t really entertained the thought of children.  I still had some fantasy of getting married and having children.  In that order.  Because that is what I was choosing to do.  Now that choice has been taken from me.  I won’t ever be able to choose that.  I don’t believe that a man would want to marry me now that I can’t have children.  I know that statement is silly and wrong but that is how I feel right now.  I can’t bear the thought of dating.  I would have to explain the disease, the pain, the drugs and now the infertility as well.  It's too much for me so I can't imagine it for someone else.  My friends can't handle it so why would a random guy?

I thought that as each day passed I would hurt less both physically and emotionally.  But this doesn’t seem to be the case.  My pain is worse than ever before and I have become extremely melancholy.... wait that's not right... I am depressed.  My silent tears are sobs.  I just want to be able to look at babies and families and not think the sad thoughts I think.  


I hope that I can move past this sad lonely place to find that I have accepted the illness and what it has done to me.  And when I think of that I think to myself... have I truly been in denial about my disease all this time?  Have I been in denial about what it is done to me?  I was just concentrating on pain for all these years masking the pain with drugs and now I am here 33 and infertile desperately grasping the diagnosis of endometriosis.... when really I was diagnosed when I was 17. 

I don’t have time for reflection today and I certainly don't have time to feel sorry for myself.  I have a take home exam due on Friday.  I was really sick on Monday and Tuesday so I haven’t really started.  It is two hypothetical questions for my international law subject and they are extremely difficult and require deep analytical research and writing.  


I need to have this exam done and finished on time.  I never ever use endo as an excuse for not handing assignments in and I never ever ask for special consideration even though I could.  Because I want to know that I am up to the challenge.  And when I get my 98% marks back like I did last week I really feel I deserve those marks.  


But right now I am going to take a power nap.  My trip to the gym this morning has made me very tired and I just put clean sheets on the bed.  I will wake up in an hour or so and will be full steam ahead working on this exam until it is time to pick my nieces up from school.  Here’s to overcoming huge pain and doing what you have to... to get things done.