The Schizophrenias of Endo

(Courtesy of Google Images)

I haven’t blogged since before my exam although I have been mentally creating them in my head.  Is that something that a blogger does I wonder?  Straight away I want to make a disclaimer  - I am a future lawyer I can’t help myself ;)

I have used my title only because it is descriptive of a situation.  My situation.  In no way have I intended to undermine any mental illness nor do I prescribe that I have any psychological skills or education.  I have merely used it as a ‘written expression tool’ and I hope that you will see this as well.  

I survived the contract law exam.  I think I passed and that is an enormous relief.  I was fearful that I was going to have a sleepless night before, wake up with a migraine and have a huge endo flare accompanied by extreme nausea.  That was worst-case scenario. 

I was fortunate to have neither.  I had a great night sleep and woke up feeling rested.  Although I was nauseous.  But it had nothing to do with endo.  I was extremely nervous.  I am not sure why.  I am normally great with exams.  

My confidence has been stripped in this last year.  I have gone from being an exceptionally confident person to one that is cowering with nerves and anxiety.   I blame endo and my hysterectomy for there is no other reason why such a dramatic change would happen.  

I want to talk about something that gets right to the very fundamental being of an ‘Endo Warrior’.  I saw this term 'Endo Warrior' the other day on the website of Fight Like A Girl Club and I thought it was a perfect definition.  If you haven't already visited this site I would encourage you to do so.  I want to talk about what I call the ‘Schizophrenias of Endo’.

Because I have endo – ultimately I am two people.  Right there this is what separates me from everyone else and this is also the barrier between me and everyone else.  This is what hinders and prevents me.  This is what destroys and annihilates my every chance for quality of life to which I have a right. 

As you might recall the other week my posts were about getting up early exercising and swimming through the pain and studying hard for my exams.  I spoke of fighting the pain and overcoming that obstacle and achieving.  I like those weeks for even though there is some pain it isn't debilitating and I can live a seemingly normal (for better word) life.  

Time is precious on those days.  Every minute is cherished that you can do what you want.  Every hour that you have done something that wasn't possible the week before you regain back some of the hope that you have lost.  And also at the same time you are acutely aware that this could be taken from you at any moment.  

Last week that was possible.  

It wasn't possible the next.  The next week I couldn’t even get out of bed.  The first three days I couldn’t sleep.  I was literally screaming in agony and was suffering from excruciating pain no person should ever suffer or even know about.  Ever.  I had to take a lot of pain medication and was still screaming in agony.  I couldn’t eat, sleep or move.  All I could do was lie in bed curled up in the foetal position hugging my heat pack wanting to die.

After a while the rest of my body is affected to what is going on.  My neck, back and legs become achy and sore due to my being scrunched up in the foetal position.  I feel desperate because I am so sleep deprived.  When you spend days and days in darkness and despair you feel very surreal.  

Time is lost and is only meant for counting how many more hours until you can take some more medication.  Time isn't what time it is.  It is how many more hours until.  

This is the ‘Schizophrenia of Endo’ in action.  The fact that one week I am able to swim and go to the gym and the next I can’t get out of bed and am tearing my hair out.  This is ultimately the thing about endo that most people don’t understand.  This is the barrier that is between you and them.  

Does this mean that I am two people?  It sure feels like it.  One of me is hopeful and confident, pain free and energetic.  The other me is vulnerable and weak, debilitated and sedentary.  Both of who have different characteristics, attitudes, opinions, emotions and feelings.  I don’t cope very well going from one to the other.  And then back again.  

When I am sick I mourn to be the person that is well.  Knowing that there is another life one that is not in darkness is like torture.  The moments in the middle of the night where all I can hear is my rapid heartbeat and a constant buzzing noise I am fearful that I will never get back there again. 

These schizophrenias of endo are what is most destructive in relationships of all kinds - family, friends, romantic - it doesn't discriminate.  These are what prevent you from them and hold you back when in them.  Not endo itself.  But the schizophrenic traits of you and your endo.  The split personalities that have formed in response to an incredible and extraordinary disease.  

People don’t understand when they see you back from the gym one week and the next you are cancelling a coffee date with them because you can’t get out of bed.  Right here right now I can honestly say I can’t ever think of there being another way.  I am always going to be two people or perhaps the features of 'split personalities'.  Could this help someone to understand me better?  

Ultimately though I know that those two are really the one.  Me.  What I wanted to do was to highlight that the dual citizenship that endo affords you that is often a very painful emotional experience.  For both the sufferer and the observer. 

I have 22 days until my next surgery.  I have university classes on campus every single day (even Saturday and Sunday) until then.  I am either going to be the girl in pain or the girl surviving.  Either way I am still That Girl With Endo.